18+ Not entirely NSFW blog post... Oh Noes, #Cosmo

This is a post for my grown-up friends, because I'm talking about Cosmo magazine, so if you're offended by adult topics, click the x in the top corner!! Quick!! 
CLICK EEEEETTTTT!!!

Only grown-ups left in the room? Good, here goes...
Bipping around the interwebs, I see many things that make my eyeholes happy.

This old post from Cosmo mag? Nope, not one of the things that filled my heart with radiance. I guess the point of it was the usual, "Hey, we've got sexytimes down, yo," kind of posting...

But WHY? Just why?

The article in question was titled something like, "Bewbs! Touch em! ERMGERD!"
You can find it here : http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/news/a10266/pleasure-her-boobs/
But you don't have to! I will break it down for ya.

1. BAD KITTY!!!
Have you ever worried that your bewbs are getting out of control? (Am I the only one thinking of that calm your bewbs meme right now?) Do your bewbs sometimes get too hot? Either have some pool boy fan your tatas or BETTER YET...

Gently mist them. Yeah, sure, this is how you teach cats not to claw the couch, but it also is a wonderful way to train your bewbs to behave. Nothing says sexy like a random, "Bad kitty!" followed by a couple squirts. Bonus points if you refrigerate the mister before squirting for that extra, "I'm AWAKE!" sensation.

Warning: Don't use window cleaner. Although you might think this is going to keep the bewbs clean, you're better off just doing #2 for proper bewb health.

 


2. That minty fresh feeling.

Have you ever sat around and worried your girls were going to get cavities? Or perhaps that your nip-breath wasn't as minty fresh as it could be?
Do you have disgusting morning bewb?

Worry naught! You can just brush those puppies with an electric toothbrush. Nay, not a regular toothbrush (abrasive enough, one would think) but use the electric kind. BECAUSE BATTERIES MAKE SEX BETTER. Duh.

Don't be afraid to really get in there, scrubbing those nippies until they're supa-doopa clean.

Warning: It may sound like you're about to use another kind of battery operated gadget, so your partner may smile...before they realize you're just making sure they got their daily dose of external fluoride. Don't panic. Let it happen.

3. Orange IS the new black!

We all know that the real way to show love is to get behind your partner...to have their back, so to speak. When you do, make sure that whatever is beneath them is super abrasive. The article suggests shag carpet (orange, I've heard, is the preferred color for this sort of activity. Someone cue up some bow-chicka-wow-wow 70s music, pah-leeeeease?), but it says a towel or maybe a silk shirt could work as well. I say, wimps!! Get you some sandpaper. That'll let your partner feel something tactile! Failing that, clouds are softer than silk shirts. If you can find a way to do it in a cloud, your partner will never forget that moment. Ever. Ever ever ever, even.


*whispers* You're welcome...

New Release!! Odd Stuff Available Now!

My first book ever published.

 

My first paranormal series project.

 

My first time that any one really believed my writing might have value other than amusing me...

 

Odd Stuff was a lot of things to me when I wrote it and still holds a special place in my heart because of all of that.  I'm glad to say it's been rereleased and is now available for you all to enjoy.  For readers who fell in love with these characters so long ago, thanks for believing in me.  For those who haven't read it yet...

Well, what are you waiting for?  Go grab your copy today!

 

Blurb:

Janie Smith tumbles through the paranormal world making mistakes and not keeping her sharp tongue in check. Pretending to be normal is what she has spent her whole life perfecting. But when her best friend, a witch named Mia, gets tangled in a murder investigation, Janie tries to stick to her guns and solve it without any “extra” help, be it supernatural or sexual. The hitch is that Mia is suspected to have murdered a vampire...and how do you prove you haven't killed someone who has no pulse?

What are the reviewers saying?

I thoroughly enjoyed this story, and would love to read more about Janie and her friends. Bitten By Books

 

Odd Stuff is hilarious. This story is fast paced, laugh out loud entertainment. Night Owl Reviews (top pick)

All in all, a don't-put-it down read that will have you smiling and giggling for Janie's inner thoughts are priceless. A must read for anyone who is a fan of the paranormal. Happily Ever After Reviews

HEA Best books of 2010

 

The humor alone is worth buying this book. I laughed so hard in places that I had tears running down my face. Coffee Time Romance

Virginia Nelson's story is an absolute delight. I highly recommend it to readers who revel in stories filled with magic, secrets and fascinating characters imbued with powers that can only be imagined. The Romance Studio

 

Find it here:

http://redrosepublishing.com/books/product_info.php?manufacturers_id=352&products_id=1208