18+ Not entirely NSFW blog post... Oh Noes, #Cosmo

This is a post for my grown-up friends, because I'm talking about Cosmo magazine, so if you're offended by adult topics, click the x in the top corner!! Quick!! 
CLICK EEEEETTTTT!!!

Only grown-ups left in the room? Good, here goes...
Bipping around the interwebs, I see many things that make my eyeholes happy.

This old post from Cosmo mag? Nope, not one of the things that filled my heart with radiance. I guess the point of it was the usual, "Hey, we've got sexytimes down, yo," kind of posting...

But WHY? Just why?

The article in question was titled something like, "Bewbs! Touch em! ERMGERD!"
You can find it here : http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/news/a10266/pleasure-her-boobs/
But you don't have to! I will break it down for ya.

1. BAD KITTY!!!
Have you ever worried that your bewbs are getting out of control? (Am I the only one thinking of that calm your bewbs meme right now?) Do your bewbs sometimes get too hot? Either have some pool boy fan your tatas or BETTER YET...

Gently mist them. Yeah, sure, this is how you teach cats not to claw the couch, but it also is a wonderful way to train your bewbs to behave. Nothing says sexy like a random, "Bad kitty!" followed by a couple squirts. Bonus points if you refrigerate the mister before squirting for that extra, "I'm AWAKE!" sensation.

Warning: Don't use window cleaner. Although you might think this is going to keep the bewbs clean, you're better off just doing #2 for proper bewb health.

 


2. That minty fresh feeling.

Have you ever sat around and worried your girls were going to get cavities? Or perhaps that your nip-breath wasn't as minty fresh as it could be?
Do you have disgusting morning bewb?

Worry naught! You can just brush those puppies with an electric toothbrush. Nay, not a regular toothbrush (abrasive enough, one would think) but use the electric kind. BECAUSE BATTERIES MAKE SEX BETTER. Duh.

Don't be afraid to really get in there, scrubbing those nippies until they're supa-doopa clean.

Warning: It may sound like you're about to use another kind of battery operated gadget, so your partner may smile...before they realize you're just making sure they got their daily dose of external fluoride. Don't panic. Let it happen.

3. Orange IS the new black!

We all know that the real way to show love is to get behind your partner...to have their back, so to speak. When you do, make sure that whatever is beneath them is super abrasive. The article suggests shag carpet (orange, I've heard, is the preferred color for this sort of activity. Someone cue up some bow-chicka-wow-wow 70s music, pah-leeeeease?), but it says a towel or maybe a silk shirt could work as well. I say, wimps!! Get you some sandpaper. That'll let your partner feel something tactile! Failing that, clouds are softer than silk shirts. If you can find a way to do it in a cloud, your partner will never forget that moment. Ever. Ever ever ever, even.


*whispers* You're welcome...

Don't trust Pinterest...No Heat Curls/Bantu curls

Okay, apparently I did this wrong.  In my defense, Pinterest didn't TELL me to put all the swirls in one direction.

The picture (of the girl with the perfect curls that bounced merrily around her head in graceful waving wonder) just told me to spin my hair around, twirling it into coils.  Then I was supposed to use two bobby pins, criss crossing them (I like that the bobby pin directions were so specific whereas the twirling directions were NOT) and then sleep on that wet twirled hair and maaaagically my hair would look like hers.

My hair looked like hers when it was all twirled.  I was like...SUCCESS!  I'm gonna have some badass curl action going on in the morning. YEAH, who's a sexy author?  This kid!

The reality was...the tutorial SHOULD have been more specific insofar as the swirls all needed to go the same direction.  Mine didn't.  So mine looked less gracefully perfect than hers.  Mine looked like THIS...Before and aaaafter. 

I can only think that the Pinterest lady knew this was going to happen to my head.  Somewhere, she is slapping her knee and super happy about my lack of knowledge when it comes to hair swirling.  Actually...it looks somewhat like it should AFTER a swirly.  If you don't know what a swirly is, kids, well, you weren't a nerd in school and good for you.  Go make Pinterest tutorials for people, you winner you.

In any case, tomorrow I shall try the sock bun curling method.  Pictures to follow. 

This may be a new regular thing on my blog...when Pinterest suggestions go horribly wrong.

Meh, until tomorrow...I'm going to try to tame my suddenly ginormous hair.
Happy Writing!!