18+ Not entirely NSFW blog post... Oh Noes, #Cosmo

This is a post for my grown-up friends, because I'm talking about Cosmo magazine, so if you're offended by adult topics, click the x in the top corner!! Quick!! 
CLICK EEEEETTTTT!!!

Only grown-ups left in the room? Good, here goes...
Bipping around the interwebs, I see many things that make my eyeholes happy.

This old post from Cosmo mag? Nope, not one of the things that filled my heart with radiance. I guess the point of it was the usual, "Hey, we've got sexytimes down, yo," kind of posting...

But WHY? Just why?

The article in question was titled something like, "Bewbs! Touch em! ERMGERD!"
You can find it here : http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/news/a10266/pleasure-her-boobs/
But you don't have to! I will break it down for ya.

1. BAD KITTY!!!
Have you ever worried that your bewbs are getting out of control? (Am I the only one thinking of that calm your bewbs meme right now?) Do your bewbs sometimes get too hot? Either have some pool boy fan your tatas or BETTER YET...

Gently mist them. Yeah, sure, this is how you teach cats not to claw the couch, but it also is a wonderful way to train your bewbs to behave. Nothing says sexy like a random, "Bad kitty!" followed by a couple squirts. Bonus points if you refrigerate the mister before squirting for that extra, "I'm AWAKE!" sensation.

Warning: Don't use window cleaner. Although you might think this is going to keep the bewbs clean, you're better off just doing #2 for proper bewb health.

 


2. That minty fresh feeling.

Have you ever sat around and worried your girls were going to get cavities? Or perhaps that your nip-breath wasn't as minty fresh as it could be?
Do you have disgusting morning bewb?

Worry naught! You can just brush those puppies with an electric toothbrush. Nay, not a regular toothbrush (abrasive enough, one would think) but use the electric kind. BECAUSE BATTERIES MAKE SEX BETTER. Duh.

Don't be afraid to really get in there, scrubbing those nippies until they're supa-doopa clean.

Warning: It may sound like you're about to use another kind of battery operated gadget, so your partner may smile...before they realize you're just making sure they got their daily dose of external fluoride. Don't panic. Let it happen.

3. Orange IS the new black!

We all know that the real way to show love is to get behind your partner...to have their back, so to speak. When you do, make sure that whatever is beneath them is super abrasive. The article suggests shag carpet (orange, I've heard, is the preferred color for this sort of activity. Someone cue up some bow-chicka-wow-wow 70s music, pah-leeeeease?), but it says a towel or maybe a silk shirt could work as well. I say, wimps!! Get you some sandpaper. That'll let your partner feel something tactile! Failing that, clouds are softer than silk shirts. If you can find a way to do it in a cloud, your partner will never forget that moment. Ever. Ever ever ever, even.


*whispers* You're welcome...