Tuesday, February 14, 2012

List inspiring ads...AKA Break up lines and come backs

Amusing Facebook ad of the day:
Read a mans mind... click here!

A. Why do you think that ad is something I would be interested in, Facebook? What choices have I made in the past to lead you to give me that ad?

B. How hard can it be to read a straight mans mind? Bacon-good. Breasts-good. The question, "What are you thinking?" Bad.

See? I am well on my way to manly mind-reading, no clicking required.

C. No, that wasn't sexist. I can do straight woman as well. Chocolate-good. Sleep-good. Thor's 3d nipples-good. "I think we should talk..." Bad

Which all got me to thinking... I haven't done a list in awhile.

So, here is a list of the things no one wants to hear, regardless of their sexual preference.

(Insert drumroll...)

5. It isn't you, it's me.

This is the line of douchebaggery that is only given when the person saying it doesn't even care enough to give you the actual reason they are not interested. Basically, what they are really saying is, "I can't even come up with one reason...there are so many!" Or maybe they are saying, "If I tell you why, you will try to fix it. And I don't want that." But instead of being honest and saying either of those things so you can correct whatever they think you did in future relationships with less douchey people, they give you the generic you/me speech.

Great responses to this line:

1. You're right. It is. You suck.
2. Which part of you? I do have a list of your flaws so if you could pick the ones that we're talking about, I could agree with you.
3. Well, of course it isn't me.

4. I think we need some time apart.

What they are really saying is, "I want to bang someone else." Or maybe, "I am banging someone else." And they are also saying, "But I want you as a spare tire just in case it doesn't work.

Great responses to this line:
1. Yup. Like forever.
2. I always thought your brother/sister was hotter anyway.
3. What is his/her name?

3. I think we should talk...

If you catch this one before they can finish the sentence, it is awesome. Because, yeah, what they are saying is, "I am about to try to let you down gently."

Great responses to this line:
1. Nothing. Walk away
2. We don't have to. Let me grab your XBox for you.

2. Do you really see this working x years in the future?

What they are really saying is, "I don't see this working. So if you do, lemme know how."

Great responses to this line:
1. Nope. But I was trying to settle for less than I am worth.
2. I honestly believe that the world is going to end in October. So... uh, we are probably good for about that long, right?
3. Nah, but you are pretty good in the sack.

1. I hope that we can stay friends.

What they are really saying is, "I really hope that you will stay my spare tire. I mean, there may be a dry spell in the future and, in that case, I wouldn't mind trying this again... you know, until I find the Right One. Because I know you aren't it but I am sure we could string this out for the next decade or ten, right?

Great responses to this line:
1. If it is over, it's over, cupcake.
2. I enjoy stabbing myself with sporks... staying friends with you and loving you while you go on with your life sounds equally painful. Let's do it!
3. I have lots of friends. None of them have shagged me and left me. So, uh, pass. But thanks.


  1. I think "I hope we can stay friends" is also hoping they won't slash your tires. lol

    Love this.

  2. Ooh... good point.

    Forgot that nuance. The you-are-so-psycho-I'm-scared-of-making-you-mad-cuz-I-like-my-pet-rabbit so lets stay friends...

    Darn it.

    LOL, thanks!!