Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Vote for Me!

So, people are talking about the presidential election. I think y'all should vote for me. I don't have tons of money to travel around the world and visit everyone. Sorry. I am just a poor, single mom from a small town. You know... like the majority of the US right now.

I don't really know a whole lot about foreign policy but *shrug,* I am sure I could hire someone who does. Isn't that what you are s'posed to do when you don't know how to fix something? I mean, that is how I fix my toilet when it breaks because I don't know a thing about plumbing. Should work in office, I think.

There are a few changes that I would like to try to see once I got in office. It would be hard but my goals would be something like this:

A. Figure out why 74% of all of our manufacturing happens outside the US. Since we have all these empty factories and people unemployed, I think I would try to get them running again. Supposedly, a lot of the people out of work are management, too. So I would hire them to run the factories. And then I would hire everyone else to work in them. And then we could all just buy the shit we made rather than paying to import shit from other places. Sounds simple but I wouldn't mind giving it a shot for four years.

B. Install that oil pipeline thingy from Canada. Y'see, I know that four years ago, I paid $1.78 for gas. Now they are saying I am going to pay $5.00 soon. I don't want to. Put the damn line in, already. We want the gas as US citizens. It is sort of like this thing I learned about in history class... the French Revolution. The French wanted bread. The price of bread skyrocketed. The government refused to give them bread. They guillotined their government. I don't think we should guillotine anyone but if there is a pipeline...I say, install it. Cuz otherwise, the price of gas is gonna keep rising and eventually people are gonna get annoyed. And do you want to annoy a society that has access to things like lasers? (*mentally picturing sharks with freakin lasers...)

C. Our schools kind of suck. We have pay-to-play sports and college tuition costs have gone through the roof. If we use some of the money we make off the oil, we could probably improve that. I say we try.

D. Lots of good people can't afford medical insurance. Like my mom. My dad has insurance because he is older than dirt but my mom has been sick for a year but can't see a doc. I think we should take some taxes from the rich and fund something to fix that. And I think that the whole 'insurance company' thing needs looked at very closely. You see, if we have to pay as much as we do and get shitty care...something is kind of wrong. Again, I am not much with numbers, either. I am sure, though, with all those unemployed people, we can find someone who is good at numbers and I will hire them to help me work it out.

E. Speaking of taxes... Most of the business that are still here are here because we aren't taxing them. That shit has got to stop. So I really think that we should start taxing the heck out of everyone who makes lots of money. They probably won't like this and will take their companies to countries who have lower paid employees and will not tax them. Which is okay. Under section A of my plan, this is just more empty buildings that we can put new businesses in. See? Buh-bye mooches. We don't need leeches. If you aren't gonna contribute anyway, why the hell are we sucking up to you?

My plan isn't perfect. And probably it won't work.

Also, just to warn you voters, the people running against me will probably start a slur campaign. Ah, the mud that shall be flung! The thing is, I am telling you at the outset, it is all true. Well, except for the alien baby. I don't know how that rumor got started but I never really put much effort into squashing it. Honestly, I found it kinda funny. *shrug* So, yeah, I probably did everything that they say I did. Big whooopedyfreakingdoodie. You aren't voting in my personal life or my family! You are voting in my plan and the fact that I am NOT perfect... JUST LIKE YOU!! So I can represent YOU, not THEM!! See? It's perfect! We understand each other and are being honest from the outset. Isn't this nice?

Really, I thought of most of this when my prof asked me today what one bill I would try to pass if I won a lottery to be president for a day. Being me... I thought bigger.

Don't panic--probably not enough people are going to write my name in on the ballot to swing the vote.

But I can say... I could piss a lot of people off given four whole years...


Hope I made ya giggle. What would you change if given the keys to the White House?

Happy Writing!

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