Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Missing you

Today, I am missing you terribly.

I think of you often. What might have been sort of things. Who would you have become? How many lives would have changed? Would we still be friends?

I think we would have. You were one of those people who stick around for a lifetime.

Most of the time, thinking of you makes me smile. If my son picks up his legos (which he is OBSESSED with) or if he starts telling me important stuff about Star Trek (for his birthday one year, he just wanted to go to the movie Star Trek, nothing else. If you were here, I would have called you, I think. Like my son, you would have told me to shhhh when I shouted out, "Look, It's Bones!"), I am reminded of you. Because, well, you would have liked him. He is a pretty cool kid.

But then again, you were the coolest kid I ever met. So, yeah, that is probably why I think you would have liked him.

Every year on Valentine's Day, I really think of you. The weight is heavier and a little harder to bear. It has always seemed unfair to me that you are gone and I am still here. You knew and saw so clearly the path that was meant for you.

I muddled around in the dark, sort of lost and confused. So although I have done some good stuff, you would have cut a swath in darkness. You would have changed lives just by being here.

It doesn't seem fair, really, because there is so much you didn't get to do.

I am going to see the ocean this year. I have always wanted to but for some reason never made it. I have lived an adventure so far. Sometimes I feel like... I dunno. Even if you didn't get to do everything, I should. Like the more I see and do, maybe it adds up somewhere and balances all the stuff out that you would have done.

It really isn't fair. I remember that was my main thought when you left. It wasn't fair. I yelled at God. I mean, if God had a clue...if God really did exist, obviously he should have kept you here. You were so damn good that it was like there was light pouring out of you.

Me? Flawed. A mess. If there was a God and he wanted to change things, wouldn't you be a far better tool than me, the red hot mess?

I don't yell at God anymore. But, well, I hope that you can hear me.

I hope that you are happy. I hope that you are near. I hope that the others I have lost are somewhere around you and maybe you are all shaking your heads at what a ridiculous train wreck my life is and wondering, "What is she gonna do next?" with smiles on your faces.

Because of you, I kind of have to believe that there is something after we die. Because if there isn't... well, I can't accept the fact that you would just GO or stop or whatever. So, you must be there and there must be more.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, "I miss you." And that I am thinking of you.

And, really, I still do. Everyday.

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