Counting it down to Runaway Groom : Seven Small Town Truths

Life is simple in a small town. There are some things that we understand, though, that perhaps aren’t universal.

7. The carpet rolls up at nine.

No, seriously, like EVERYTHING is closed at about nine pm. I remember when we first moved out to Ashtabula county, Ohio, my older brother and I went out into the street and laid right down on the middle line of Main Street. NOTHING HIT US. There weren’t any cars. Then again, it was ten pm, so…

6. The restaurants are all PACKED at noon on Sunday.

Whether it is the bar crowd from Saturday night who just woke up and are looking for some nice greasy eggs or the church folks who just got out and are looking for lunch, the food places? PACKED at noon of a Sunday.

5. Tractors driving through the middle of town aren’t surprising.

How else were they supposed to get gas before heading back out to plow hay?

4. Those kids having dinner in the bar aren’t surprising either. 

What? It’s not nine pm yet, so folks are out getting a bite of dinner. Everyone knows the bar serves dinner until nine and then they turn the lights down for those out having a drink.

3. No, there isn’t a credit card machine. And what the hell is Paypal?

But you can run over to the ATM and get some money out and come back and pay your bill. It’s ok. We’ll wait. *stares*

2. Really good coffee means Maxwell House.

Espresso say whaaaaaat? Nope, no Starbucks here. What do you mean you pay five dollars for a cup of coffee?!?! Son, if you’re willing to do that, I have a real nice bridge to sell you.

1. We take care of our own.

Folks around here? They make sure no one is left behind and we know all about the mistakes you made. Don’t you worry, though. No one will rile you about them…except us.

Is your small town like this? Or is it just ours?

Counting it down to Runaway Groom : Eight Redneckified Fixes

Time for my countdown!! *throws confetti*

Folks in my small town tend to make do quite a bit. Why go out and buy something fancy when you can simply fix it with things you have laying around?

That said, here are Eight Sure-Fire Fixes that I have tried and love. 

8. Pepsicola will fix everything.

We don’t drink pop in my house, not usually. We do however use it for quite a few things. Did you know that you can dump a can of pop in your toilet and wait a bit and flush and it cleans it sparkly clean? Also great for road haze, that waxy buildup on your windshield. You just dump a can on the windshield during a good heavy rain and – bam! – All better.

7. If it’s loose, use some duct tape.

I’ve used duct tape for so many things, it is ridiculous. I could give a list, but suffice to say…just duct tape it and it will be FINE.

6.  If it’s tight, use some WD-40.

Named after the formula, Water Displacement 40 is handy for almost as much as duct tape. Door squeakin? WD-40. Need to get that paint off that thing? WD-40. Kid colored with crayon on your wall? WD-40.

5. If it is smelly, use a lemon.

My sons will just eat them raw because they’re weird, but my first unusual use for a lemon was to pull off the peel and stick it in my flute case to make it smell better. It worked, brilliantly, and can be used for all musical instruments that I know of. You can use it to clean your cutting boards or other wood implements in the kitchen. You can use it to chase off ants or other creepy crawly critters. You can squirt it on apples or avocados to keep them pretty. When you’re all done, you can settle down with a nice glass of lemonade. 

4. If there is a hole in it, fill it with toothpaste.

Don’t tell my old landlords that I filled nail holes with toothpaste, but their walls are minty fresh and holeless and I tend to get my deposits back for my pretty former homes…

3. Flowers like booze.

Dump some vodka in your cut flower vase, take a good swig and then wait. You can drink some more if you want to while you wait, but they should perk back up for a while anyway. Plus, they just look better after you drank some vodka, don’t they?

2. EVERYTHING likes alcohol...

You can use rubbing alcohol to remove sharpie from non-porous, unpainted things (like a fax machine. *whistles*) or you can squirt them with hairspray to get it off. You can also use alcohol to clean mildew off your leather. If it is a jacket, just wear it to a party where folks are sloshed and they’ll dump stuff on you and you’ll be good as new…if smelly.

1. Get you some butt cream…

No, seriously, I learned this one back in my days of modeling. Hemorrhoid cream removes redness. Just dab a bit on your face if you have a zit or whatever. Another modeling trick was to tape things you didn’t want to fall out…like your boobs to your shirt. Just sayin.

Are you from a small town? What shortcuts/fixes do you use?

Smart Rednecks

Probably a few of you read that and thought, well, there's an oxymoron.

I gotta disagree. Well, not always. Mark Twain said, "All generalizations are false, including this one."

But think back, if you would, to Sweet Home Alabama. I loved that movie. One line stuck out at me at the time.

"Honey, just 'cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid." - Jake Perry

And, thus, the smart redneck is born. Just a simple country boy, with good 'ole boy mores and a twangy voice, that hides a little more under the hood of that beat up Chevy truck than one might see at first glance.

The unscripted tv show Duck Dynasty features a whole family of these characters. And they are, very exceptionally, characters.

Again, at first glance, simple country folk who pray at the dinner table and say some words wrong, but let's not ignore this family has built an empire. Using a simple idea--a duck call--and a love of family and hunting, they're flashing across our screens in all their redneckedness. Just like Sweet Home Alabama's Jake, they're easy to dismiss as just a little slow...

Until you really listen to them.

I adore this kind of juxtaposition between common sense brilliance hidden behind a little bit of motor oil and some camo. In reality, I've had the great pleasure of befriending a few guys who might not be viewed as movers and shakers, who hide behind that mask and because they are underestimated...

Come out on top every time.

I had to write some. I wanted to capture that small town boy, that guy next door who is underestimated, but shouldn't be because...watch out. He's thinking when he's standing there all quiet, just listening to you ramble. You're showing all your cards and he's methodically storing all that information away while he gives you a lopsided grin and a nod.

My Watkin's Pond series, starting off with Runaway Groom in January from Samhain, has these guys as heroes--a whole mess of country boys looking for love. Small town, after all, can mean big romance.

So what do you think? Are there boys out there hiding their big brains behind their redneckedness? Are they, "Happy, happy, happy," because people don't bother to look beyond the drawl and see that spark of innate intelligence glittering in their eye?

Do you like the small town heroes? Or is it just me?

Happy Writing!