Dreamers and dying

The other day, I was sitting in class and had one of those stupidly panicked moments when something awful feels eminent.

Being sick and having my chest burn has not lessened this fear any, to be honest.

The thing that terrified me enough in class that I very nearly walked out before taking my final was the thought that I was going to die. I am familiar with death. It's finality haunts me and -blended with the memory of those that I have lost- make me even more terrified of it.

But I had one of those moments in which I realized all of this had a finite ending. When you get into that kind of mindset, what does the meaningless monotony of life mean? Why am I not climbing Mount Everest while I still can or staying home with my kids altogether?

And what is it to die? On my facebook, I said, "You know that moment when you wake up and the dream seems more real than the reality and for a second you believe that you were awake before but are dreaming your actual surroundings... What if dying is like that? What if it is like waking up from a really weird and realistic dream?" What if that is it? What if you wake up and realize that life was just a really long and drawn out weird dream and all the people that were in it are no more real or substantial than any other characters from slumberville?

And how am I going to die? I can almost hear my dying self thinking something to the effect of, "No, not like this. Not now." You rarely plan to die. Most deaths kind of spring up on you. Like my stroke. I could have died thinking, "Man, this headache sucks." I don't want that to be my last thought. Or even worse, the shocking deaths... like losing control of your car. You don't think it is the end. But it is.

How awful is all of that?

I think my fascination and abject horror at the idea of death stems from the people I have lost mixed in with my many near death experiences. Any moment could be the moment. What moment would be the one I would be okay with being the last? Could I ever be okay with dying?

Heaven is a wonderful place and I sure would like to see it. But my faith in everlasting peace is riddled with holes because I am not sure I would be okay with the end happening so I could get there. I don't want to leave my family, even if I have the promise that they will join me in some blissful state of reward. I don't want to stop living my life, even when it sucks.

Anyway, the dream thought was bothering me tonight. Because each time I close my eyes, a new world opens up and upon waking only bits of it remain. If that is dying, it is scary stuff. What if... and instant terror.

What are you afraid of?