Sunday, July 17, 2011
Nobody puts baby in the corner...
I get that nicknames are important. I even did a blog on how you should incorporate them into your writing...
You can view my words on that here.
However there are some nicknames that should be shoved deep into the bowels of non-use and left there to rot and fester as they make me throw up a little when you use them... especially when you are full of enough raging hormones to make that usage public...
On the list:
If he isn't actually a sweet, little, squashy newborn with wrinkled feet and downy hair- STOP IT. He is not a baby. If he is indeed an adult acting like a baby, fine. If you think it is in any way, shape or form cute that your man acts so juvenile that the term 'baby' fits him, don't let me hear it. I will deride you. And possibly smite you. There are enough men acting like children out there; you don't need to encourage him or make him think it is acceptable.
Viable exception- If you are more than 15 years apart in age. Because then you could have given birth to/fathered your significant other. So for the 'sugar daddies' and 'cougars' out there... Feel free. I won't smite or deride. Promise. Understand, my parents are 21 years apart in age. I am not judging you. I am judging your use of endearment.
Are they really? If I take a bite out of his ass, will it taste like pop rocks? My thoughts are that his behind is hairy and possibly has a zit or two. I see nothing sweet in that. If you do, fine. Keep it in the boudoir. Because saying that while I am eating will make me spray you with somewhat masticated mashed potatoes. You have been warned.
Viable exception-None. No one should ever be called sweet cheeks. It just sounds derogatory.
This one is fine for older women to call me. It is almost endearing. But if you are a strange man that I don't know and you call me 'honey' all I can think is that you were paying far too much attention to my cleavage to catch my name. So you are substituting a generic 'honey' because all women are 'honey's' to you. I am not your honey.
Viable exception-The aforementioned older women. Older men just sound slightly lecherous when they use it and they aren't members of your family.
I have used this one in the past to irritate people who weren't bright enough to pick up on it. Some caught it. Others... not so much. Again, like honey and hun, fine within your couple. If used generically within society, I lean toward the cleavage/name thing. And within your couple, perhaps not during sex in the beginning of the relationship. Does he remember who is below him or is he just using the name to be safe? If you can't tell, don't allow it.
Viable exception-The pig. You know, Babe? Because it was a damn good name for a pig.
This one has become socially acceptable so I won't smite your or choke on my food. I may jump, though. I am still of the 'ghosts say boo' generation. So I may think you are trying to scare me. Which you did. Because you managed to work that word seamlessly into conversation which terrifies me a little.
Viable exception-None. I am still going to startle and look around for the spirit haunting us.
So your boyfriend is a lump of fried or soup saturated dough? You really want to tell the world that you find him 'doughy?' One would think that this would have a negative effect on his performance after awhile. But it's up to you. *shrug*
Viable exception- When discussing how to make soup.
So, she is good enough to eat? Do you want your friends to know that? Are you willing to share? And what is with all the food names... wait. Nevermind. I get it. *ahem* Still... In public? You exhibitionist, you!
Viable exception-When you want to give me a cupcake. I am not one to turn down a free dessert.
Okay, this one paints the most amusing mental picture, if you think about it. A sweet, squashy little breakfast food that is a mean machine in the sack. I will point at him and giggle, you know. Sorry. You called him it. I just saw the humor.
Viable exception-If you have a cupcake that you are offering for stud services. It could happen. We live in a strange world.
What cuddly wuddly names drive your pulse pounding and what ones cause you to find your gag reflex? You can find a list of 101 Fun Romantic Pet names here. Or so the article claims...
And remember... Nobody puts baby in a corner. In a bassinet, sure. But not a corner. She is a good baby. No time outs for her.
at 11:23 AM