Thursday, July 14, 2011

National Nude Day

I am not sure how I have missed this holiday in the past but it is one that should be applauded.

From at least a few feet away... don't get all up in my personal space.

Yes, it is National Nude Day! To celebrate, I figured I would write a list of ways not to get arrested while taking part in the festivities.

1. Let your contribution be that you eat nude food.

What is nude food? Food without its expected companions. Instead of mac and cheese, just eat mac. Without its expected friend cheese, mac is very nude.

2. The sign says no shirt, no shoes, no service-it doesn't say anything about pants.

(This one may get you arrested but I say you can fight it!! You were merely following the clearly presented directions...)

3. Convince others to take of their clothes.

Especially hot people. If you got it, flaunt it. And if I like it, stand still so I can facebook it.

4. Sunbathe someplace private... while airing out your privates.

Okay, a burn on sensitive regions might hurt a bit, but think of the sting you are putting on proprieties. Well worth the aloe a la crack.

5. Take the coat off the damn dog.

It is like 90 degrees out, you sick bastard. Why are you dressing up that poor animal in a tutu when you yourself are wearing a bikini? Animal cruelty disguised as cute, I tell ya. *waves cane at wippersnappers in red faced fury*

6. Strip off the paint...

You know, the make up and Spackle you have greased your face in with some delusional thoughts that blue eyeshadow was going to distract from the fact your chin is saggy or your nose too big. You can do it. And yes, I am talking to you, Larry.

7. Moon shine-

If your butt is as pale as mine is, blinding would be a nice way to describe the reaction to its pearly white glow.

8. Only get naked from the waist down before you go out driving.

This one doesn't work so good if you drive a small car... or if there are any semis around. Or does work... depending on your objective...*ponders*

9. Go barefoot.

Okay, you sissy. If you are too chicken to show any more skin than that... fine. Whatever. You are a wimp and not showing holiday spirit at all.

And finally...

10. Put up a Nude Day Tree.

You can find decorations anywhere pornographic items are sold. And really... hairy ones are far more festive than that OTHER holidays sparkly ones, don't you think?

And if none of that suits your mood, try out my short story, Clothing Optional. Because really... Even though your mom told you otherwise, clothing is optional. And you can find the story here.


Have a safe and happy holiday and ... stay away from naked sparklers. Nothing good can come of that.


  1. Great list, Virginia! You had me laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair.