Friday, August 5, 2011

Sex for dummies...

Yes, this is an actual book. You can buy it here.

Forget the Kama Sutra... this is sex for dummies!! Even the most clumsy and awkward can learn how to...
Hang on. Really?

Yes! Really!

Okay, here we go. Top ten reasons why you need this book:

1. To find out what cytomegalovirus is.
Nope. I dunno either. Nor do I know why I want to know. But Amazon tells me that I need to know. Amazon would not lie to me. (Yes, I googled it. Lazybones. Apparently you won't get it if you avoid saliva-especially childrens- and wash your hand after changing diapers. And out of a hundred people, 50-80 have it. A member of the herpes family, it is usually harmless and symptomless unless you have a compromised immune system. No, I did not find out why we care.)

2. It will teach about male and female masturbation.

Again... Amazon says we need to know. Nope. I dunno who doesn't know how. Or how they haven't figured it out. But they can learn-- With this book!

3. It will teach you the "ups and downs of orgasms."

Which is good... because I didn't know there were downs.

4. It will teach you "many other very sensitive subjects--such as how to come out when you're married and have children."

How the hell did you stay 'in' that long? And if you have, how is this book going to be the thing that spurs you to do it? I love books but I don't think a book has this power. I think a good support system and counsoling would be better... but I am a negative nancy sometimes.

5. It will help with premature ejaculation.
You just hit your thingie with the book and away you go...

6. It will teach you to have cybersex.

Which I have to admit... I haven't figured out. Nor have I figured out the draw. But hey, even I could learn how!

7. This book can break the ice to conversations with your kids about sex!

I could not, in any way shape or form, hand my child this book. We talk about sex and masturbation and relationships... but I don't know if I want my teen reading about how to give a blow job. They will figure that part out when the time comes, I am sure. (No pun intended but sort of funny that it happened.) And the boys will figure out premature ejaculation... all by themselves. There is answering questions and there is creating questions. This book would create some that they don't really need to know until active... but thanks, Dr. Ruth.

8. It was written by Dr. Ruth!

So it should be in her cool accent. If it's not, well... I don't want to read it.

9. It will help you deal with impotence!

Which is on every commercial I see lately... So I am really not sure why I want a book about it. Are there really more impotent men out there than other problems (cancer, heart issues, dealing with mental problems)?And again, how does the book help, exactly? Shouldn't you see a doctor yourself? Unless, again, you hit your thingie with the book. I am pretty sure you can put off premature ejaculation and if it won't stay up... well, it will when it is swollen from whacking it with a book... I guess...
10. It would be an awesome icebreaker... According to Amazon.

Okay, I admit it. Putting a copy of this on my coffee table would start a lot of conversations. That does kind of make me want a copy. For the look on my mothers face alone, kind of worth it. But then my kids would see it and again... not sure I want to discuss blow jobs and premature ejaculation at length just yet. (There was another pun. Ooops...)

Altogether... um. Yeah.


  1. Another interesting tidbit... At the top of the book is a picture of Dr. Ruth with the mention that, "Her image is synonymous with sex!" Not really... I don't see Dr. Ruth and think sex. I think sex doctor. I think cool accent. I don't think 'sex.' Sometimes Hugh Jackman or Alexander Skarsgard are synonymous with sex... *purrrrr* but not Dr. Ruth. Maybe that is just me.

  2. LMAO!! I'm tempted to buy this book as a conversation started for sure. But with my luck, my hubby will think I bought it for him and take offense ;-)