Turn Me On

Yesterday I answered WHY and HOW...sort of...to why I write romance.

Today...We are gonna get dirty.

Yes, we are gonna talk about sex. Kiddies, now is a good time for you to go to your room and play video games while I talk to yer parents.

Okay, kids all gone? Everyone over 18 in here?

Good.

Sex. It used to be dirty to say it. With 50 Shades of Suck, people are obviously much more okay with talking about it. I have noticed this even in my small town...used to be that if I talked openly and honestly about s.e.x...well...people would laugh uncomfortably and turn red or change the topic.

Considering the people I was generally talking to were adults, most with kids or in relationships...blushing like teenage virgins when I suggested that they had bumped carpet pets at some point or another...uh, this was hilarious to me. I mean, here I am...one of the few people choosing not to have sex and I am more okay with talking about it than you...who regularly do the tangled sheet mambo?

This made me wonder how much they were communicating with each other. I really hoped they were talking to each other more than they were talkin to me.

But now...people talk about it. People have thrown open the bedroom door and discuss things that they wouldn't ten years ago. Which is great...and a lot of you are shaking your heads right now but let me tell you WHY I think it is great.

If we can't talk about sex, we can't talk about disease, health, warning signs...things that should be talked about. I have showed my kids the condom in my wallet (which made everyone have a good laugh at my expense because the damn thing had been expired for a year...shows how much I USE my wallet condoms...*sigh*) because, as I told my very embarrassed teenage daughter, if you are not comfortable enough with a man to say the word 'condom' or discuss birth control and stds...he really should not be putting his hands on ANYTHING that is normally covered by clothes.

Not a bad rule, really. If you can't discuss condoms, should his tongue be down your throat? If the mention of a condom makes you turn fifty shades of red (y'see what I did there? lol) then perhaps you are not mature enough to bump fuzzies.

I mean...communication is really important stuff. If you don't have that...do you want to frolic in the garden of naked applause? Uh, no. You shouldn't. Something is very wrong.

I wrote a story that was kind of centered on that ability to communicate...actually, most of my characters show it at some point or another. I admit, this is intentional.

Because...secret? Do you want to know what really...really...really turns me on?

Someone who listens. Someone who doesn't just hear the words coming out of your mouth but understands you.

Is there anything sexier than that?

Okay, abs are nice but I still think the listening thing is sexy as hell.

What turns you on? (Okay, why do I think SOMEONE is going to write whipped cream?)

Happy Writing!

Sex for dummies...

Yes, this is an actual book. You can buy it here.

Forget the Kama Sutra... this is sex for dummies!! Even the most clumsy and awkward can learn how to...
Hang on. Really?

Yes! Really!

Okay, here we go. Top ten reasons why you need this book:

1. To find out what cytomegalovirus is.
Nope. I dunno either. Nor do I know why I want to know. But Amazon tells me that I need to know. Amazon would not lie to me. (Yes, I googled it. Lazybones. Apparently you won't get it if you avoid saliva-especially childrens- and wash your hand after changing diapers. And out of a hundred people, 50-80 have it. A member of the herpes family, it is usually harmless and symptomless unless you have a compromised immune system. No, I did not find out why we care.)

2. It will teach about male and female masturbation.

Again... Amazon says we need to know. Nope. I dunno who doesn't know how. Or how they haven't figured it out. But they can learn-- With this book!

3. It will teach you the "ups and downs of orgasms."

Which is good... because I didn't know there were downs.

4. It will teach you "many other very sensitive subjects--such as how to come out when you're married and have children."

How the hell did you stay 'in' that long? And if you have, how is this book going to be the thing that spurs you to do it? I love books but I don't think a book has this power. I think a good support system and counsoling would be better... but I am a negative nancy sometimes.

5. It will help with premature ejaculation.
You just hit your thingie with the book and away you go...

6. It will teach you to have cybersex.

Which I have to admit... I haven't figured out. Nor have I figured out the draw. But hey, even I could learn how!

7. This book can break the ice to conversations with your kids about sex!

I could not, in any way shape or form, hand my child this book. We talk about sex and masturbation and relationships... but I don't know if I want my teen reading about how to give a blow job. They will figure that part out when the time comes, I am sure. (No pun intended but sort of funny that it happened.) And the boys will figure out premature ejaculation... all by themselves. There is answering questions and there is creating questions. This book would create some that they don't really need to know until active... but thanks, Dr. Ruth.

8. It was written by Dr. Ruth!

So it should be in her cool accent. If it's not, well... I don't want to read it.

9. It will help you deal with impotence!

Which is on every commercial I see lately... So I am really not sure why I want a book about it. Are there really more impotent men out there than other problems (cancer, heart issues, dealing with mental problems)?And again, how does the book help, exactly? Shouldn't you see a doctor yourself? Unless, again, you hit your thingie with the book. I am pretty sure you can put off premature ejaculation and if it won't stay up... well, it will when it is swollen from whacking it with a book... I guess...
10. It would be an awesome icebreaker... According to Amazon.

Okay, I admit it. Putting a copy of this on my coffee table would start a lot of conversations. That does kind of make me want a copy. For the look on my mothers face alone, kind of worth it. But then my kids would see it and again... not sure I want to discuss blow jobs and premature ejaculation at length just yet. (There was another pun. Ooops...)

Altogether... um. Yeah.