Wednesday, July 9, 2014

My cat is a jerk

Meet #Evilkitteh, aka Jinx (You can find her on instagram, too.)
I did the big meaningful post about how wonderful, even if flawed, my dog is and yet I've never really done a post about my cat.

My cat is a jerk.

I call her evilkitteh on the internet and I think people believe I'm kidding...

I'm not. She's a jerk.

She's fat, for one. If there was a kittycat Weight Watchers, I'd put her on it. I'm pretty sure when I call her fat, she's looking at me and laughing her cat-laugh. She's clearly thinking something along the lines of, "Yeah, look at your butt, or rather that sun eclipsing wad of cellulite you're sitting on, and then we'll talk about my swaying gut, mmhhmkah, human?"

She refuses to eat cat food. She became a Temptations addict about a year ago and will now go on hunger strikes (which don't seem to change the fat) until I cave and give her the cat-crack. I'm looking into support groups, maybe a Temptations rehab, but so far, no such luck.

She likes to stare at you, right in the eye, and then knock stuff down. She has a preference for glass things. I think the tinkling of broken glass is her idea of a symphony.

She tries to kill people
. Like all cats, she enjoys rubbing against your legs or flopping while you go down the stairs. If she manages to trip you, she generally purrs. She's bloodthirsty, that one.

She's a big fan of torturing the dog. Making him growl, jump, startle, freak out...all of it brings joy to her feline heart. Nothing makes her day more than making the dog fall down the stairs. It's like his yelp fulfills her.

She's working on her memoir. This writing is sometimes disturbed by me clicking the delete button, erasing the hard earned letters on the screen from her walking back and forth across the keyboard. Although she's been thwarted so far, she hasn't given up her dream of becoming a bestselling cat author. Me getting a touchscreen has further enabled her process and she diligantly works to finish her autobiography. The working title translates to, "Fat Cat in a Skinny World," but is spelled "af;iojdfsaokdfioijfdjkjdfasdfsaae4fsad" in cat language.

But my favorite trait in any creature is loyal. She may try to kill us. She may occasionally claw at us. She might even try to smother us in our sleep someday, but she's loyal.

She'll stick by us until the end and has proved that.

Even if she plans on the end happening sooner than we might prefer...

Is your cat a jerk, too? I know I can't be alone in this.

1 comment:

  1. Yup. You're not alone. We have four of them and of the members of the Feline Mafia, Shadow is the jerk-itty of the bunch. Such a little fuzzy tool.