My cat is a jerk

Meet #Evilkitteh, aka Jinx (You can find her on instagram, too.)

I did the big meaningful post about how wonderful, even if flawed, my dog is and yet I've never really done a post about my cat.

My cat is a jerk.

I call her evilkitteh on the internet and I think people believe I'm kidding...

I'm not. She's a jerk.

She's fat, for one. If there was a kittycat Weight Watchers, I'd put her on it. I'm pretty sure when I call her fat, she's looking at me and laughing her cat-laugh. She's clearly thinking something along the lines of, "Yeah, look at your butt, or rather that sun eclipsing wad of cellulite you're sitting on, and then we'll talk about my swaying gut, mmhhmkah, human?"

She refuses to eat cat food. She became a Temptations addict about a year ago and will now go on hunger strikes (which don't seem to change the fat) until I cave and give her the cat-crack. I'm looking into support groups, maybe a Temptations rehab, but so far, no such luck.

She likes to stare at you, right in the eye, and then knock stuff down. She has a preference for glass things. I think the tinkling of broken glass is her idea of a symphony.

She tries to kill people. Like all cats, she enjoys rubbing against your legs or flopping while you go down the stairs. If she manages to trip you, she generally purrs. She's bloodthirsty, that one.

She's a big fan of torturing the dog. Making him growl, jump, startle, freak out...all of it brings joy to her feline heart. Nothing makes her day more than making the dog fall down the stairs. It's like his yelp fulfills her.

She's working on her memoir. This writing is sometimes disturbed by me clicking the delete button, erasing the hard earned letters on the screen from her walking back and forth across the keyboard. Although she's been thwarted so far, she hasn't given up her dream of becoming a bestselling cat author. Me getting a touchscreen has further enabled her process and she diligantly works to finish her autobiography. The working title translates to, "Fat Cat in a Skinny World," but is spelled "af;iojdfsaokdfioijfdjkjdfasdfsaae4fsad" in cat language.





But my favorite trait in any creature is loyal. She may try to kill us. She may occasionally claw at us. She might even try to smother us in our sleep someday, but she's loyal.

She'll stick by us until the end and has proved that.

Even if she plans on the end happening sooner than we might prefer...

Is your cat a jerk, too? I know I can't be alone in this.

Becoming a dog parent

Do you have an apple? Apples ROCK, more than bacon, clearly.

Although I've pet sitted (petsat?) for my friend's pooches upon occasion, it has been many moons since I had a dog. My children don't even remember any dogs that we've had, it has been so long since the pitter patter of furry feet.

That said, I figured the pet sitting prepared me for bringing a canine into our home and hearts. I figured that rigorous research into breeds, training methods, available dogs would mean we'd transition smoothly from being a no dog household to a dog one. Once we met our Ralph, it seemed like a no brainer--he was already house trained, he knew 'sit' and 'stay' and he was big enough, I didn't figure the kids could break him.

Basically, I treated getting a dog like researching for a book. If I read enough, watched enough videos, borrowed other people's pets, I could become the best dog mommy in the world. I'd be one of those pet parents who has the most obedient pet and random folks would compliment my fur baby.

Me and our new furry pal

I did the same thing before I became a human mommy, thinking I could read and be prepared for a baby. Ha!

I should have learned from that experience that there are just some things that aren't the same as what you read. However, I was hopeful.

To give my dog credit, he's awesome. He is really obedient. He's loyal--he follows me everywhere like a doggy shadow.

He, however, is nothing like the books said he'd be.

He's a lab retriever. The books tell me this means he's a runner. He'll also love water.

Happy Dog

Apparently, no one told Ralph what breed he is. He doesn't like water, it kind of freaks him out. He also doesn't have any desire to run away...he'll run WITH us, but I don't move very fast and he prefers to hang out wherever I am.

The books said that leave it would be a hard thing to teach him. Nope, he gets that. Down? (Like 'lay down, dog') I'm speaking another language. He doesn't get it. He looks at me all hopeful, willing to sit, stay, gimme high five, whatever...but has no clue what I'm asking with 'down.'  So he then just goes through what he does know (sit, stay, high five, up) until he gets frustrated with me and flops...and then can't figure out why I'm so darn happy he's down.

He started out pretty social. He didn't mind other dogs, other people, whatever. Now? Barks at everything. The first few weeks, he didn't make a sound. Now? Woofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoof.

I'm pretty sure he's telling me a story of some kind. Something along the lines of, "Hey, human! I love you so much! Could you look over there? That guy? Do you see him? In the red swim trunks. I think he's a zombie. He's gonna eat our brains. Human? Do you see him? Why aren't you looking at the guy? He's right there, even with those plastic things on your face, you can surely see him. Human?"

But I just stare at the dog and wonder where the woofwoof off button is. He has one, I know it because he came with it firmly OFF.

Basically, I'm reading more books. If they don't help...

It's weird, but it doesn't matter altogether that much. Sure, he might not be the most obedient dog on the planet, but he tries. Sure, he's a neurotic ball of fur, full of separation anxiety and water fears and a whole mess of other things (thinking of getting him a thunderjacket, actually...because dood, he's a spaz)...

But he's our spaz.

The one thing that the books and movies and videos didn't mention was that by saving him (rescuing, that's the word the pound uses) from the shelter, he rescued us.

Because you really don't realize you have a dog shaped hole in your heart until you fill it with just the right dog.

We found him. He's got a very long name, nearly as long as his list of To-Do training tasks, but he's our guy and we love him.

Do you have a furry friend who rescued you, too?


escued us.