Thursday, May 6, 2010

Guest Blogger Kerri Messner!!!!

I am truly lucky to have my favorite blogger visiting... Yup, you guessed it, Kerri, The Queen Of Random has been so kind to stop by and agree to a guest blog... Without further ado, Kerri :)


Hello friends and fans of the totally awesome Virginia Nelson!

I've agreed to guest blog over here on her site because she rocks. She gets a kick out of my unstable (but fun!) mind, so maybe you will too.
Last year a litter of 5 kittens (older kittens) showed up at my house. They have been called the illegal immigrants ever since. Yes, I fed them. Yes, I know what happens when you feed them. I just can't look at hungry cats while I have a bin full of cat food. It seems wrong somehow.
The SPCA was called and they said they don't have room but they put my name on a waiting list. I tried giving them away to everyone. The cable guy. The phone guy. The UPS guy. The mail lady. Friends, family, neighbors. Everyone acted like I was offering them spitting cobras. "NO! No cats!"
So I just gave you all of that information just so I could tell you what happened the other day.
I mowed my grass and found an Easter egg. Luckily it was the plastic kind.
Ok, so it has nothing to do with the cats. So? Are there rules around here against that kind of thing? I don't think so. :-)
I do have a cat story though. One of the three females had kittens the other night. I watched, and was grossed out. I thought cats hid in a dark quiet place when they had their kittens. This one had them right out in the open. I knew she was going to have them at any point so I let her in the house. If she had them outside there's a good chance of not being able to catch them. You can't give them away if you can't catch them.
She purred through the whole thing. I remember giving birth. Twice. I didn't purr and I HAD DRUGS. She was purring like it was the best thing that ever happened to her. What a show off.
I hate cats.
She had 3 and settled down so I went to bed. I checked on them in the morning and was shocked to find out she had 2 more overnight.
I was ok with it when I thought she only had 3. It's not too difficult to get rid of 3 adorable little kittens.

Yeah, the whole experience has been full of suck for me so far.

We have one cat. His name is Bo and he was neutered years ago. (He still holds this against me)
So I do the right thing and get my cat fixed and I still end up with more cats.
Want to know the worst thing about this whole stupid ordeal? Of the original 5 illegal immigrants 3 are females.
Yeah, 2 more litters of kittens are on their way.
The SPCA still can't help. I really thought they'd be able to take these cats before this stuff happened.
My plan is to sit in the Walmart parking lot with all of these kittens the minute they're old enough.
I thought of making a giant sign that said "FREE KITTENS!" but then I remembered everyone acting like I was offering venomous snakes.
So I think the sign ought to say "Bring your camera, you will not believe what I have in this box!"
I'm thinking that once they see the kittens they won't be able to resist. They can run right into Walmart and grab all the kitty gear they need if they don't already have it.
This plan is going to work. This plan is going to work. This plan is going to work.
You're saying it with me, right?

I refuse to be the crazy cat lady. I have taken steps in my life that have kept me from being that crazy cat lady.
I can't lose that battle after all this time. I've worked so hard!

Actually, I just like dogs better. Most cats are boring. (Except when you have a laser pointer)

Have you ever taken a look at the cat toys in the stores? All of those toys are designed to drive cats out of their minds. Here ya go kitty, chase this fake mouse that you're never going to be able to eat...
If kids' toys were all designed to drive them out of their minds it'd be child abuse.
Here ya go kid, it's a swingset! But you can't swing on it, it's not real!

Maybe that's why cats are so snobby. They sense that their frustration is amusing to us.
They get us back though, oh yes. You know what amuses them? When they're in the litter box digging around and they fling litter into the next area code. They do their business and hop out with a stupid little cat smirk on their face. It's true. I've seen it.
This is the most I've ever written about cats in my entire life. And you were lucky enough to be here and witness the whole thing.
I apologize.
Kind of.
But not really.
I could ramble on all day long. But I do have things to do. Cats to feed...
Have a "free to ANY home" kinda day.

PS-It's not all bad. I don't have any small rodents within 800 feet of my house. If there are no small rodents, there's nothing for snakes to eat. If there's nothing for snakes to eat, it means the snakes are somewhere else!

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